Finding Love After 40: 11 Actionable Tips for Divorcees

Learn how to find love successfully as a divorcee over 40 years old.

You’ve finally gotten over your divorce, and you want to return to the dating scene.

But because you’re in your 40s, you know dating will be hard. You’ll have to compete with younger people, while trying to manage your work life and kids, if you are a single parent. And you have to hold yourself back from repeating the same patterns that led you to your ex.

What if you don’t find someone? Or you pick the wrong person… Again?

You can heave a sigh of relief, because we’ll show you how to overcome the challenges in this post.

To ensure that you get proven dating tips, we sourced opinions from dating experts and 40-something-year-olds in the dating scene.

Can’t wait to hear them? Then keep reading.

How to Date in Your 40s After a Divorce

1. Overcome Your Emotional Baggage First

Getting a divorce leaves you with scars, even if you ended your marriage on a good note. You may find yourself feeling depressed that you didn’t do enough. Or you could be frustrated that all your efforts to save the marriage ended in vain.

If you start dating without resolving these feelings, you might project your issues onto your new partner. According to Sam Owen, relationship expert at Hinge, you may end up ‘making assumptions based on nothing that they’ve done, but tarnishing them with the same brush as one of your exes because of the baggage you’re bringing from the past.”

But dating too early after your divorce won’t just affect your partner; it can also ruin your self-image. Owen notes, "you may feel like you’re not good enough or funny enough. That kind of bad experience can also make you more nervous and hesitant about trusting again and shape the way you view the present and future, so you might be more pessimistic about what’s to come.”

She also adds that dating when you haven’t healed from your divorce will make you date the same type of person as your ex, just because they feel familiar.

Put a hold on dating and focus on fixing your emotional issues. You can start with simple steps like selling your engagement and wedding rings. Family law attorney Laura Wasser (worthy study) advises you to sell the engagement ring and “use the proceeds for something that will allow you to thrive and feel wonderful”.

Another way to dissolve your emotional attachment to your previous spouse is to engage in uplifting activities. 40-year-old divorced mother, Hannah Verdier, says that she gets over the heartbreak by practicing self-love and spending time with her other single friends. Verdier also reveals that ‘we boost our mood by doing yoga and going to the gym’.

Detaching your emotions isn’t enough. If you want to move on, you must discover what went wrong in your marriage and make peace with yourself.

Determine what you both did wrong and learn how to prevent such events in your next relationship. Doing this will help you determine what to look for when choosing a new partner.

2. Rebuild Confidence in Yourself

If you ended your divorce badly, you might feel like you’ve lost your identity. You shouldn’t jump into the dating scene yet if you feel this way. Otherwise, you’ll be building your relationship on loose sand.

Instead, spend time re-inventing yourself. Find something you’re passionate about and master it. Mastering a new skill will remind you of your great qualities. For instance, if the new skill took several months to learn, you’ll realize that you are diligent and persistent.

Getting fit and dressing well can also boost your confidence. A 2010 study by the National Library of Medicine revealed that we tend to have a high sense of self-esteem when we look good.

3. Identify Your Dating Preferences

Once you’ve resolved your emotional issues and rediscovered yourself, you can think clearly. This means you’re ready to start over.

Begin by listing out the qualities of your ideal future partner.

Since you’re over 40, you’re most likely self-aware. You know who you are and what you want in a partner. Besides, the lessons from your failed marriage have equipped you with the wisdom you need to select the right partner.

Still, it wouldn’t hurt to have a guideline when writing down the qualities of your ideal future partner. The list below might work well for you:

• Age
• Lifestyle
• Physical Appearance
• Social status
• Religion
• Sexual compatibility
• Family
• Values
• Location
• Do you want a casual relationship, or do you prefer a committed one?
• Are you open to someone who dates several people until you become exclusive?
• Are you open to having more kids?

Avoid basing your preferences on your past spouse. Clinical Psychologist, Carrie Coulston adds: “If you categorize a person based on some similarities with someone in your past, you could easily miss out on a partner who is compatible with you.”

Remember that you may never find someone who matches your list to a tee. But that doesn’t mean you should give up on getting a second chance at love.

If you don’t find your perfect match, make a compromise on some of the qualities on your checklist. For example, you might want someone closer to your age because they are often more mature and confident. But if you meet someone younger with these qualities, you can give them a chance.

4. Develop a Dating Strategy

Not to sound all businessy, but you are no longer in your prime. You don’t have the surplus of time and energy you used to enjoy when you were younger.

If you’re like most people in their forties, you have a busy career, financial responsibility, and possibly kids to worry about. If you don’t want these aspects to suffer while you’re finding love, you need to plan your dates around them.

Are you going to meet your dates during lunch on weekdays? Or would you prefer to hire a babysitter and meet them on weekends? Do you want to start with something casual before proceeding into a serious relationship, or would you like to focus on dating seriously from the get-go? Where would you meet them? How much would you be willing to spend on dates?

Ask yourself these questions and answer them before stepping into the dating scene.

5. Start with Dating Apps

Do you always stick to meeting people the natural way? Well, you’ll need to change your mind if you want to fall in love. Since you are busy with work, children, and other responsibilities, you probably don’t have much time to go out.

That’s why it’s best to start with dating apps. Online dating is flexible, and it presents you with a myriad of opportunities.

Given the excess of dating apps out there, you might have a hard time deciding which one to choose. You wouldn’t want to create a profile on a casual dating platform when you are looking for a serious relationship, right?

If you’re new to online dating, this roundup of the best dating websites from 46-year-old single mother Emma Johnson will make your life easier:

· Adult Friend Finder (Ideal for people looking for casual hookups, friends with benefits, and polyamorous partners).

· Christian Cupid and ChristianMingle (Free dating apps for christians and Catholics who want committed relationships.

· Cougarlife (Paid dating app for older singles)

· EliteSingles (Best for degree-holders who want long-term relationships.

· Happn (New dating app that pairs you with locals)

· Hinge (Photo-focused app for casual and serious relationships)

· Jdate (Ideal for meeting people of the Jewish faith)

· Match.com (Old, free dating apps with members across different age groups).

· MilitaryCupid (Best for dating military officers)

· OkCupid (Free/Paid interactive dating app)

· PlentyofFish (ideal for single moms)

· SilverSingles (Best for 50+ singles)

· Zoosk (Great for all types of dating situations)

When creating your online profile, focus on presenting your authentic self. Don’t copy someone else’s profile or show off.

If you’re a 40-year-old man, avoid posting pictures where you are scantily dressed. A 2019 study conducted by Worthy revealed that 55% of single women get turned off by photos that show off a man’s biceps.

Instead of faking your personality, you can talk about your favorite books, movies, or music. Remember to edit your profile for errors. Otherwise, you might give off a carefree vibe.

Remember that people often use catfishing techniques on dating apps. To avoid getting catfished, suggest a physical date as soon as you meet someone you like.

Then, you’d be able to confirm that they’ve been telling the truth about themselves. Don’t hesitate to break it off if you discover that they’ve been lying to you.

We can’t forget the possible risks involved when going on a date with someone you’ve never met. To ensure your safety, always meet your online dating prospects in public places. You should also inform your friends of your location, in case things go south.

6. Explore More Opportunities to Find Partners

While online dating is a great way to meet people, the dangers of the approach can be a turn-off. You have to worry about liars, romance scammers, sexual harassment, catfishing, and psychopaths.

If you’d rather avoid that stress, you can limit your options to people in your region. Note that you’ll have to be more outgoing to find good prospects.

Create time for outdoor activities in your busy schedule. And when you do go out, be intentional about finding a partner.

These situations are great for finding a good partner after 40:

• Social Events: parties, concerts, weddings, seminars.
• Classes that explore your hobbies and interests: paint-and-sips, yoga centers, cooking classes, book clubs, hiking meetups, etc.
• Referrals from friends: If you are too shy to share your feelings with a romantic interest, you can ask a friend to set you up.
• Facebook: Facebook is great for connecting with old friends. You never know; you could develop feelings while chatting with them.

7. Make The First Date Easy

If your first date involves something as complicated as mountain climbing or biking, you might end up canceling it. So, it’s best to choose something that won’t require too much effort. 40-year-old single mother and contributor at Worthy, Laura Lifshitz, suggests that you ‘try coffee or a lunch date’ for your first date.

The type of first date you choose should depend on how much time you have. Coffee dates are best for when you are busy. If you have more time, offer to take them to lunch instead.

Focus on simple topics like your jobs, hobbies, interests, and current goals during your date. You can leave the divorce talk for later.

Your partner may feel awkward if you start rambling about your divorce when they’ve just met you. Besides, sharing divorce details early on in the relationship suggests that you still aren’t over your ex.

8. Take Your Time

Don’t get worried if you can’t find a possible long-term partner quickly. When you haven’t dated in a while, your first set of dates is meant to help you find your feet. Once you get familiar with the dating scene, you’ll become a pro at choosing your dates.

When you finally find a connection, don’t be in a hurry to jump into a relationship. Make sure they have the qualities you desire. Remember to share each other’s needs and boundaries to ensure that you’re compatible. If you discover that you want different things, don’t hesitate to hop out.

You should also watch out for red flags. Common red flags to note in a prospective partner are:

• They talk too much about their ex.
• They never answer questions about their ex.
• They always speak about their ex in a negative light.
• They’ve been divorced multiple times.
• Their infidelity caused their divorce.

9. Hire a Dating Coach

If you’ve been on several dates but haven’t found anyone that matches your criteria, you might give up on dating. Or worse: you could keep dating for the wrong reasons.

Hiring a dating coach will keep you on track with your dating goals. The coach will teach you the skills you need to vet your dating partners properly. They’ll also push you to keep putting yourself out there, so you can find new partners.

When your dating strategies don’t work, they might help you evaluate your ideal partner checklist. After a few conversations with them, you’ll know whether to keep, delete, or elevate certain qualities on your list.

10. Be Honest About Your Divorce

Once you sense that the relationship is getting serious, tell your partner about your divorce.

Make sure you share the story as objectively as possible. Don’t just blame everything on your partner. Talk about what you did wrong and how you’re trying to overcome your issues.

Speaking about your divorce with a balanced view will convince your partner that you are thoughtful and accountable for your actions. You never know; they could fall deeper in love with you after this experience.

11. Get Committed Before Introducing Them to Your Kids

I know the feeling of wanting to tell everyone that you’ve met the love of your life. But you shouldn’t inform your kids about your relationship until you’re sure it is serious.

Your children are still healing from the divorce and probably wishing that Mom and Dad get back together. If you suddenly introduce them to a new lover, they may feel angry or resent you for moving on after the divorce.

Of course, they’ll still have to get used to seeing your new partner. But that partner should be someone you’re committed to, not a mere fling. You should never prioritize your romantic escapades over your children’s emotional health.

Behavioral therapist Kranti Sihotra Momin adds, “ Don’t ambush your kids by suddenly bringing someone home. Have a conversation with them and reassure them that they come first. Also, trust your instincts about when to tell them — you’ll know when it’s a good time.”

Conclusion

Dating as a divorcee when you’re over 40 might not be a piece of cake. But if you apply the tips we’ve shared here, you’ll face fewer challenges in your dating journey.